May 1, 2012 - Battling the Beast of Uncertainty

I want to start this second post out with my deepest appreciation and gratitude for all of you who have taken the time to visit this little blog of mine and to offer your support, love, prayers, and encouragement. Your kind words and gestures and willingness to take this ride with me means more than you will ever know. My prayer is that this feeling of solace that I have gained from writing and corresponding in this way will spread to others and we can build a really strong network of support.

Well I am on my final day of steroid infusion therapy. After today I will have received 5000mg of solu-medrol via IV over the last 5 days - that's enough steroids to make even Ah-nold have 'roid rage but luckily it doesn't really make me that crazy (well, those close to me may say differently); I just feel really jittery and hungry! Something about being 16 weeks pregnant and metabolizing all these appetite-enhancing steroids makes me so fixated on food that all I can do is count down the minutes between eating breakfast and the moment when I can order my lunch tray. This being the last day of therapy also brings about a strange dichotomy of feelings; it's like I got run over by a pack of wild elephants while at the same time I'm feeling like the adrenaline surge catalyzed by the medication might levitate me right off this hospital bed. I've been exhausted and hyped up all morning...needing to sleep but fighting the urge to do insane hours of sit and be fit exercises. I always forget this crazy duality of steroids. They are funny little creatures that's for sure. I mean yesterday I was amped up on adrenaline all day long - blogging like crazy (can I just say how much I love being able to say I'm a blogger now?), blogging on other blogs about my blog, facebooking, networking, talking to friends and family and then around 8:30 I crashed HARD. The rubber band effect was quick and intense and I'm still searching blindly for that middle ground. So crazy!

The wonderful news is our precious little princess is still snuggled safe and sound in her heart shaped home and doing amazingly well. Her heart continues to beat strongly and consistently. I am so immensely grateful for her little fighting spirit. I know that I can handle anything that may happen to my body as long as I know she stays shielded in her little bubble of protection.

So the uncertainty that I'm battling today exists in the fact that although the steroids have reduced the peripheral inflammation in my body and my glands are not as swollen and my upper extremities are no longer numb and tingling and even my right leg is regaining strength, my left leg is still stubbornly refusing to function normally and the fatigue still looms large as well. "So, where do we go from here?" is the question I keep asking myself. My treatment regimen is complete, and I know from past experience that it can take a little more time post-infusions to actually feel the ultimate healing potency but I can't help but circling through a litany of questions like:  is there anything else we can do? Are they still going to push for me to go back on the Copaxone? Will I remain in the hospital until I can totally walk again? My Perinatologist is calling in a Neurologist consult today because although she has been consulting closely with my Neurologist, he does not have privileges here so he cannot perform any kind of evaluation at this time. So, hopefully that will happen some time today and I'll know a little more about where the course of healing will take me from here. I know things are getting better and I have faith that there will be complete restoration of health soon but being that I am indeed human I do suffer from impatience at times. I just keep telling myself that this is temporary and I just have to continue to keep my spirits up to keep fighting the good fight.

Before posting I always share this blog with my amazing husband for feedback, and he always says just what I need to hear. He reminded me that God is definitely with us and that with all the incredible people He has placed in our lives to help us along this journey there is no way we can stumble. I love my husband; He is so right. So even though there is some uncertainty as to exactly what the next step is in this process there is absolutely no doubt about the direction of our path - onward and upward!

Thank you all for taking these steps with me. I hope you are having a wonderful day even if it be filled with some of life's uncertainties.